Becoming a mom has been the most rewarding, important, breathtaking and, yes, frustrating experience of my life. What I've come to realize lately, though, is that being a mom and wife can't be my entire life.
I love my family, and the life we have created. But, something is missing. Something that's gotten lost in the midst of good night kisses, making dinner, planning lessons for work and changing diapers. A part of me that existed before my house became overrun with drool and dolls. It's a need that can't be filled by my kids or my husband, though not from lack of trying.
Before I give into the anticipation of revealing what the hell it is I'm talking about, let's take a moment to think back. Back before kids, before marriage and mortgage. It's about 8 years ago and I'm in love with the man who'll eventually be my husband. I'm enjoying my career as a teacher, living on my own in a great Toronto neighbourhood, and spending as much time as possible with the most important people in my life - my family, boyfriend and my closest friends. While I was indeed deep into my romantic relationship, the truth is, my future husband was not the emotional backbone of my life. That role belonged to my best girlfriends. Even after we moved in together, got married and bought a house, my BFFs were my shoulders to cry on, my emotional outlet and lifeline. (Listen, I love my husband. But, let's face it- most men do not want to sit and listen to you while you pour your heart out. I don't care how much a guy loves you...the reality is, the man in your life has most likely tuned you out after 5 minutes.) Things changed once the kids came. While basking in the glow of motherhood, I hardly realized that I spoke to my pals less often. Work, naps and family obligations made getting together with friends- sans kids - virtually impossible. That left only my poor hubby there to take the brunt of all my emotional needs. (Again, let's face it - most women have a need to talk and get things off their chests. Most men have entirely different needs.) I didn't even think twice about it. I let the words spill out. For someone who was not used to a verbal onslaught of feeling, the guy took it quite well. However, as one might guess, my need for getting things off my chest was not satisfied with one episode. Thus, I leaned on my husband over and over again. Yes, of course - that is what husbands are there for, right? Well, personally, I'm not not so sure. I am a firm believer that communication is key for a partnership to last. However, now I realize that communication with and without your partner is vital for the survival - and the happiness - of that relationship. In other words, leave the poor sap alone sometimes and reach out to those who were there for you before - your girlfriends.
So that's it. (Sorry if the reveal seems anticlimactic.😳) That's what I felt missing these last few years - the understanding of the need to talk, to get things off your chest, to bitch - and, to have the appropriate responses to whatever it is I've said. As hard as my husband tried - and he did - he just didn't get it. He didn't know how to respond when I unleashed my feelings. He didn't know how to take it all in. And, quite frankly, he wasn't giving me all I wanted in our talks. But, how could I expect him to respond as my BFFs do? It's not as if that's what he and his friends do when they get together. Perhaps there's also some spouse bashing, but I don't think 'deep life thoughts' and 'soul sharing' is on the menu at the pub. But, it is for me. I need my girls. I need our talks, their shoulders, their advice. I need it to help me feel more like, well, me. When that happens, I'm happier. And, that happiness spills into the rest of my life and to those that I love.
How did I come up with this brilliant revelation that will no doubt bring a new bounce to my life and marriage? After an amazing evening of talking and laughing with one of my nearest and dearest, of course. After our pow-wow, I was left feeling energized, refreshed, happy. Me. And, that feeling lasted for more than a day. It was, and is, amazing. It's truly wonderful what good friends can do for you.
I understand that life is hectic. Especially at this particular stage of life and motherhood. Right now, a monthly date is what we are hoping for. To commit to more at this moment - with young kids, jobs, husbands, alone time (wait, what is that?!)- is near to impossible. So, that brings me to why I'm starting a blog again after several years away. For those times I can't reach out to my busy gals, or don't want to impose too much on my husband, I figured why not just put it all out there and unleash it on the internet. Expression was - and is - a part of who I am. And, it's about damn time I get back to it. Get back to being me. All of me.
Before I give into the anticipation of revealing what the hell it is I'm talking about, let's take a moment to think back. Back before kids, before marriage and mortgage. It's about 8 years ago and I'm in love with the man who'll eventually be my husband. I'm enjoying my career as a teacher, living on my own in a great Toronto neighbourhood, and spending as much time as possible with the most important people in my life - my family, boyfriend and my closest friends. While I was indeed deep into my romantic relationship, the truth is, my future husband was not the emotional backbone of my life. That role belonged to my best girlfriends. Even after we moved in together, got married and bought a house, my BFFs were my shoulders to cry on, my emotional outlet and lifeline. (Listen, I love my husband. But, let's face it- most men do not want to sit and listen to you while you pour your heart out. I don't care how much a guy loves you...the reality is, the man in your life has most likely tuned you out after 5 minutes.) Things changed once the kids came. While basking in the glow of motherhood, I hardly realized that I spoke to my pals less often. Work, naps and family obligations made getting together with friends- sans kids - virtually impossible. That left only my poor hubby there to take the brunt of all my emotional needs. (Again, let's face it - most women have a need to talk and get things off their chests. Most men have entirely different needs.) I didn't even think twice about it. I let the words spill out. For someone who was not used to a verbal onslaught of feeling, the guy took it quite well. However, as one might guess, my need for getting things off my chest was not satisfied with one episode. Thus, I leaned on my husband over and over again. Yes, of course - that is what husbands are there for, right? Well, personally, I'm not not so sure. I am a firm believer that communication is key for a partnership to last. However, now I realize that communication with and without your partner is vital for the survival - and the happiness - of that relationship. In other words, leave the poor sap alone sometimes and reach out to those who were there for you before - your girlfriends.
So that's it. (Sorry if the reveal seems anticlimactic.😳) That's what I felt missing these last few years - the understanding of the need to talk, to get things off your chest, to bitch - and, to have the appropriate responses to whatever it is I've said. As hard as my husband tried - and he did - he just didn't get it. He didn't know how to respond when I unleashed my feelings. He didn't know how to take it all in. And, quite frankly, he wasn't giving me all I wanted in our talks. But, how could I expect him to respond as my BFFs do? It's not as if that's what he and his friends do when they get together. Perhaps there's also some spouse bashing, but I don't think 'deep life thoughts' and 'soul sharing' is on the menu at the pub. But, it is for me. I need my girls. I need our talks, their shoulders, their advice. I need it to help me feel more like, well, me. When that happens, I'm happier. And, that happiness spills into the rest of my life and to those that I love.
How did I come up with this brilliant revelation that will no doubt bring a new bounce to my life and marriage? After an amazing evening of talking and laughing with one of my nearest and dearest, of course. After our pow-wow, I was left feeling energized, refreshed, happy. Me. And, that feeling lasted for more than a day. It was, and is, amazing. It's truly wonderful what good friends can do for you.
I understand that life is hectic. Especially at this particular stage of life and motherhood. Right now, a monthly date is what we are hoping for. To commit to more at this moment - with young kids, jobs, husbands, alone time (wait, what is that?!)- is near to impossible. So, that brings me to why I'm starting a blog again after several years away. For those times I can't reach out to my busy gals, or don't want to impose too much on my husband, I figured why not just put it all out there and unleash it on the internet. Expression was - and is - a part of who I am. And, it's about damn time I get back to it. Get back to being me. All of me.
